And watching people friends n family fade around you. I'm only 54 and have already lost TOOOOOO many very close people. After awhile, you don't know if you are healing or just numb to it all. I REALLY hate the fact that two of my "go to" people to talk about such things passed in the last 10 years. I feel ya James. It's something we KNOW others go through but it sure can feel a bit lonely when YOU experience it.