Going to share this with you, a Facebook post...

My in-laws... yikes. Some of you will most likely find this humorous, as I did.. but some of you will NOT. So be it. It is true, however, every word of it.

The story:

Elderly ladies falling like rain drops.

Intriguing post title, don’t you think? I do.

Family functions are the best - all rules fall to the wayside except those your family holds dear - which are usually few and far in-between.
Twas a splendid evening - bright starry skies, wondrous forest surrounding the venue, outdoor tables and ample food and drink.
Unfortunately it was also ’twas’ a somber event. It was an after funeral family gathering. And at this point I need to stress that.. SOMBER GATHERING… so you are forbidden from laughing at what is about to follow.

The gathering was proceeding normally… tears aplenty.. hugs, and of course food and beverage. Adult beverage.
I don’t know how it began… I was imbibing myself… but begin it did… and rose to a crescendo that begs noting, telling.. for posterity’s sake.
I was younger then, not young, just younger. Many at the gathering older than I. I was at a picnic table, the type with a table, (obviously), and two benches on either side connected to the table. Across from me sat someone… I don’t know who she was… I should, but don’t. The evening had only just begun so when she went over backwards and landed flat on her back on the lawn my first thought was, “WHOA, thought this would come MUCH later in the evening and the person starting the tradition would have been MUCH younger”… but actually she was elderly, like in her 70’s.
Well… a little early for the feature event, I thought.. but BRAVO… well done. She was ‘fine’, by the way, in case you’re worried about her.
Some time later.. not a lot later.. I heard a commotion… I did not actually witness this. Rushing over, because that’s what one does when a commotion commences, I discovered that ANOTHER elderly lady had tripped over the curb on the driveway and gone down in a heap. Another elderly lady. AH BUT.. this elderly old lady was NOT to be outdone by merely falling backwards off a picnic table.. no indeed…

Her timing was precise and impeccable because when she hit the ground a car was backing out of the driveway and ran over her leg after she hit the ground. (she was unhurt, in case you are thinking you can’t read the rest of this). A few scratches, then some pleading from her that ‘she was fine’ and required no assistance.. which the ‘helpers’ were a bit reluctant to accept.. I mean, she was old, she had hit the turf like sack of potatoes, and then a blessed CAR had run over her. Never the less.. she rose, rejoined the gathering.
Now at this point most, normal people that is, were obviously trying to calm things down… in solemn tones and courteous caution… but then there is me. Bathrooms were set up…. well, they weren’t… women used the indoors facilities and men used the forest. I headed to the forest. At the third tree behind the garage I found the men’s facilities currently being used by my nephew, Dustin Adney.

So since it was a 50 hole’r I joined it… and when the stream was flowing freely casually mentioned to Dustin, “Have you noticed that old ladies are falling like rain drops here tonight?”. Well… bad opening line while taking a piss… Dustin lost it. So did I. In hysterical laughter we pissed on our shoes, every tree surrounding the garage.. and I think a couple of guys shoes standing nearby who were also relieving themselves.

I’m sorry, truly, sorry.. this was a FUNERAL gathering. I’m going to hell.. so is Dustin.. but we were in tears of laughter.
Not sure how long it took to compose ourselves and return to the others at the gathering. Several minutes, no doubt, but eventually we did.. and the evening proceeded.
It grows late… no elderly women has hit the deck since the driveway car incident… perhaps, just perhaps, normalcy has returned. But no… that was simply wishful thinking.
Now it’s dark, and a campfire has been lit. Lawn chairs surround the fire.. people soaking up the warmth, the companionship. I’m sitting on the north side of the campfire, Dustin to my right. Occasionally… because we can’t control ourselves, we glance at each other and have to control ourselves from breaking out in hysterical laughter and thus offending our families and all in attendance.

That’s when it happened.

An Elderly lady.. the THIRD one… got up, (no idea why or where she was headed), and began to cross in-between Dustin and I and the campfire… she didn’t make it.
she didn’t just go down… on her way down she slammed her face into Dustin’s knee…. the ‘crunch crack pop’ sound was horrendous. Certainly injurious. But see.. ya gotta understand…
This was after TWO previous incidents… BOTH involving elderly ladies. I was right next to Dustin. Compassion, worry, CERTAINLY called for.. AND WE DID find a bit of compassion…Dustin and I BOTH… we DID rush to her aid, which simply required standing up since she was in our laps… BUT….
God I hate admitting this.. our “AID” was done while doing our best to muffle our nearly uncontrollable and instinctive desire to… well… laugh our asses off.
She was also NOT seriously injured. Once she was back on her feet… able to continue imbibing, Dustin and I BOTH headed back to the men’s facilities by the tree behind the garage… but this time not to piss… but definitely to relieve ourselves. Of laughter. And so we did. This time for several minutes.. in fact it could have been for an hour, or so… unable to hold it in any longer… propriety be damned but we DID have the propriety to get to the pissing tree before falling down in convulsive laughter.. or nearly so anyway. Gaylene, Tami, saw us… made apologies to the others for us… and today…

I’m happy to report that we are once again accepted back into the family. NOT respected.. that will probably never occur.. but we are tolerated… and that’s good. That said, most likely Dustin and I will NOT be allowed at any more Smith family funeral gatherings.

The Night It Rained Elderly Ladies like rain drops. Thought I was exaggerating, didn’t you? And just in case you doubt me… ask Tami, ask Gaylene.. whom I’m SURE will try their best to ‘tone things down’ somewhat BUT… Dustin knows, I know… and to this day, and forever more, until eternity has come and gone… we’re going to be laughing our asses off… not because we WANT too… but rather, we have no choice. And ALSO…

To Tami and Gaylene’s chagrin I’m letting the world know as well. I will pay a heavy penalty for this post.. a very heavy one… have pity on me, and I beg of you… if you happen to be so inclined.. do NOT mention this to them with even a gentle smile on your face… if you MUST mention it.. do so with pity for them that their lot in life to be burdened with Dustin and I… AND, most importantly, do NOT make reference to the small, but perceptible, smirk that will cross their faces when you bring it up. - Jimmy