I used to smoke. Not a lot but enough to do it daily. I could quit pretty easily for months even years but eventually I would be in a situation where people were smoking and I would be drinking and soon I am also smoking... hahah... and wondering why the hell would I have ever quit this?

So, as you can guess, I now do not smoke at all... nothing. I want to but the want not to is stronger.

So this also applied to food after I got out of the hospital. I had to get adjusted to food again... because I only had fluids through IV and fed by a tube in my arm. Eventually I was able to eat small amounts of food. Not anything near the 2000 calories a day I needed to get the tube out of my arm but I was improving.

Once I was able to eat enough food I was very disciplined. Actually I was scared. I was on a high dose of steroids which made me diabetic. So NO sugar. I ate canned tuna, canned salmon, eggs, chicken, avocados, carrots, peas, string beans, peanut butter and whole wheat bread and crackers and stuff made with almonds, bananas, apples, grapes and blueberries.... One day I had an M&M. One. The next day I had another. Eventually I was up to 5 or 6 a day. Just like smoking, hahaha. But really similar. I was now off the steroids. My body was no longer diabetic. So I started allowing myself a little sugar. Then I had a mini soda once a week. "Moderation" was my mantra.

There was a time when I wasn't sure if I would get back to 160lbs. But eventually I got to 170 and thought, this is the right weight for me. I am 5'9" or so... Now just a few months later I eat nachos and drink sodas before bed. I eat bags of M&M's a day. Ice cream, sweets, etc. You get the picture. I still eat a lot better than I did. But I am now up to 190. WTF???

There is a lesson I think there... But I am not sure what it is. Is moderation really possible? I can do moderation for a few weeks but eventually lose control over it. I think there is a balance between what you want to do and what you really want to do. I want to have a cigarette but I really don't want to start that again. So I don't. Its not hard and the triggers have weakened to nothing. But food is everywhere. And I live with sweets eaters. My daughter calls herself a "candyterian". So its essentially like living with smokers... but substitute cigarettes for junk food. And my wife likes to get me treats and loves to go out for ice cream... So I think if I can get to the mindset that I would rather be healthy than eat junk, I would be OK. I was there for about a year. I didn't mind it at all either. Perfectly happy with the foods I was eating. I think I was proud of my "discipline"... but really, again, I think it was motivated by fear of getting sick again... and going back to the hospital. Now I guess I feel like I am past it?? I don't know.