Week 1 (over)reaction predition post

As everyone knows its entirely possible to predict the entirety of the season after the first round of games so here I will do that with one clear prediction for every team so you don't need to worry about thinking about it any more.

NFC WEST
Rams: The best defense of all time. Wont have single TD against us all year. Cobie Durant will lead the league in touchdowns from pick 6's alone!
49's: CMC pretended injury to sleep with Shanahan's wife, he will be caught and the scandal will make the team go 1-16
Seahawks: Kupp only played a subpar '24 to be traded to them to dismantle the team from the inside. 0-17. Best psy-op ever from the greatest Rams player.
Cardinals: Will trade for Mahomes and his toxic Chief's attitude will tear the team apart. 1-16
(No I don't care these results are impossible, its still gonna happen)

NFC East
Eagles: We will beat them 45-3 in the NFC conference final.
Commanders: Will be named Redskins again before years end and have a lot of Gay field goals.
Giants: Oh dear oh dear. Wilson will score a touchdown. A touchdown. (1)
Cowboys: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! ...sorry the prediction is that BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

NFC North
Packers: The entire team will die in an unfortunate Lambeau Field avalanche accident. 14-4. Love OPOY
Lions: Brad Holmes is tanking them because he is homesick for Socal. Will trade Goff to Browns mid season and play Desser Winn.
Bears: Will lose every match being too clever in the 2 minute warning window continuing their proud tradition of destroying potentially talented Quarterbacks.
Vikings: Playoff team, winning every division game and losing every other game against losing record teams.

-NFC South
Buccaneers: Only team in the division with a winning record. Will go into playoff with a 10-7 record.
Saints: Will host prayer circles during timeouts as their season will be saved only through divine intervention.
Falcons: Our beloved future 1st round pick overall. Will try to hire Shula as HC next year.
Panthers: I think they will win a game this year.. .wait wait... they are NOT playing the Giants. My bad. I take it back.

AFC West
Chiefs: Tanking for Arch Manning. Taylor Swift is tearing the team apart. Kelce will hurt more team mates than score TD's. Racist organization. Jail Andy Reid.
Broncos: Our SB opponents. Bo Nix gets superpowers from Denver's residual Marijuana fog.
Raiders: Will go 4-1 before remembering Geno Smith is their quarterback. Lose 5 in a row. Start Cam Miller. Still lose the rest.
Chargers: Will be a monster team... and then as usual forget Herbert is their QB and start trying to run and end 9-8

AFC East
Bills: Best team in the league not us. Will do a Bills and get blown out in the first playoff game.
Dolphins: Will Bring Dan Marino out of retirement to stop the bleeding.
Jets: Will be the BEST New Jersey team this year.... maybe.
Patriots: Belichick's college career will be better than their season.... Unless they start his girlfriend as RB.

AFC North
Bengals: Burrow really really REALLY likes getting smashed by big sweaty men. ...That's not a prediction that's just a bit of gossip. (I still SO much want him as Stafford's replacement over any potential rookie QB, even as I know it wont happen)
Steelers: THEY BEAT THE JETS IN A CLOSE SCORING MATCH! SUPERBOWL! SUPERBOWL! SUPERBOWL! Mike Tomlin will also do his own DC calling.
Ravens: Quote the Raven: Even Browns look aghast at that 4th quarter. Must lead by 4 TD's to win any game this year.
Browns: Needing only a good QB (And RB, and S, and 2xCB, a tackle a center a guard, a d-line and a HC) to NEARLY compete for the playoffs.

AFC South
Colts: Winning the division in a desperate attempt to not have to draft Arch Manning.
Texans: Us anno 2022. Will lose all 22 starters to injury. Still go 8-9.
Titans: A Titanic effort will see them go from 0-2 to finishing the season 5-13 to keep Tennessee pride flying high.
Jaguars: This is Lawrence's year! He will break out to his full potential. Jags go 7-10

Thoughts? Other predictions from the board? Lets hear it.